Everything you’re about to read, save for the epilogue, is an interpretation of documented historical fact.

1898

United States

Hi! We’re the United States. We’re invading you now. You know, to free you from Spain’s colonial rule.

Puerto Rico

Um… OK. So are you going to make us a state, then?

United States

Statehood? Oh! Funny—hmm. Well… no. At least, not yet! But who knows what the future holds?

1901

United States

Hey, Puerto Rico, we’re starting to get some questions about you. Legally speaking. Which of our laws apply in our new colo–I mean, territory? Does the Constitution follow the flag? Do we have to give you Puerto Ricans, you know, rights and stuff?

Puerto Rico

You could just make us a state. That would pretty much solve everything.

United States

Right, right… we could do that. But here’s a thought: we’ll have the Supreme Court make some rulings. They’ll say you’re our territory—but an unincorporated territory. They’ll say you belong to the United States, but you’re not a part of the United States. We’ll justify it by calling Puerto Ricans an alien race of savages, and we’ll have ourselves an egregious legal framework that’ll last for the next 125 years.

Puerto Rico

Seriously? There’s no way that’s going to last. Surely at some point in the next century somebody’s going to look at these rulings and overturn them. I mean, it literally says “savages” in there.

United States

You’d think so, wouldn’t you?

1917

United States

Hi, Puerto Rico! Quick question: how would you like to become U.S. citizens?

Puerto Rico

You mean, because we’re gonna be a state? Are you finally gonna make us a state?

United States

No, no. No statehood. We’ll just… make you citizens.

Puerto Rico

But why? Why would you give us citizenship but not statehood?

United States

For reasons.

Puerto Rico

I dunno, Uncle Sam. It sounds a little weird.

United States

Look, I’ll sweeten the deal. We’ll make you citizens, we’ll let you have your own House and Senate so you can pass your own laws…

Puerto Rico

Oh! So it’ll be like we can govern ourselves?

United States

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. We’re also gonna make all federal laws apply to Puerto Rico—except for when we don’t want them to apply.

Puerto Rico

Can we pass laws that supersede federal law?

United States

Not at all.

Puerto Rico

Then can we at least choose our own governor now?

United States

Of course not! Our president is going to keep appointing him.

Puerto Rico

This all just seems so needlessly complicated. Are you sure you don’t want to just make us a state?

United States

We’re quite sure.

Puerto Rico

You know what? This is pretty sketchy. I don’t think we want this.

United States

We already did it. Congratulations! You are now United States citizens.

One Month Later

Puerto Rico, reading news that the U.S. has entered World War I

Huh. War in Europe. How ’bout that?

One Month After that

Puerto Rico, reading news of the Selective Service Act

Oh, son of a bitch!

1918-1949

United States

Hey, Puerto Rico: we’re noticing a lot of pro-independence activism going on down there. I’m going to need you to help us surveil and suppress all these subversives for a few decades.

Puerto Rico

And then, once we've decimated their movement, you'll give us statehood?

United States

We'll see.

1950-1952

United States

Come here, Puerto Rico. You’re causing us some trouble again. We thought letting you have your first election for governor in 1948 would be enough, but apparently not.

Puerto Rico

Enough for what?

United States

Oh, it’s this whole post-World War II international order. That new thing, the U.N., they started a list of non-self-governing territories and are making us submit an annual report about each one. Can you believe asking us for a report on how we champion democracy in our colo—I mean, territories?

Puerto Rico

Then it definitely seems like it’s finally time to make me a state and solve all our problems.

United States

Hmm… no, still don’t think that’s the right answer. But how would you like to have a constitution? You can write it up yourselves and everything!

Puerto Rico

Really? We can just put whatever we want in there?

United States

Well, within reason. We’ll definitely be reviewing it; might put some things in, might take some things out.

Puerto Rico

So, you’re not really giving up power over us?

United States

Wait, I wasn’t finished. How about a name change? Let’s see, what’s that thing they call Massachusetts? A Commonwealth! The Commonwealth of Puerto Rico has a nice ring to it.

Puerto Rico

But what does it mean?

United States

Nobody will know, and nobody will care. That’s the beauty of it. We’ll go to the United Nations and say, Puerto Rico’s not a colony; it’s a Commonwealth. They got their own constitution and everything!

Puerto Rico

And you think that’ll be enough?

United States

To get the United Nations to do whatever we want? Absolutely.

1967

Puerto Rico

Hey, U.S. You believe in democracy, right? Voting, the will of the people, all that stuff?

United States

Democracy is the bedrock on which this great nation was founded. But where are you going with this?

Puerto Rico

We’re gonna vote on our political status. Let the people decide between statehood, independence, and keeping the current status. A true exercise of democracy! So, you’ll abide by the results, right?

United States

We always encourage democracy.

Puerto Rico

Can we get that in writing?

United States

Just keep us posted!

Statehood gets 39 percent of the vote; Commonwealth gets 60 percent

United States

Look at those results! Glad to see you’re happy with the way things are going. Don’t get me wrong, I totally would have acted on the results if you had wanted the thing I’ve refused to give you for the past 69 years. But looks like you didn’t. So, all’s well that ends well!

Puerto Rico

You really would’ve granted us statehood if a majority of our people wanted it?

United States

Of course! I’m Mr. Democracy over here! Just take a few decades, come back with that majority, and then we’ll talk.

1993-1998

Puerto Rico

Hi, United States! Just wanted to let you know we’ve had two more votes on our political status, and statehood is really picking up momentum.

United States

Oh yeah? Let’s see.

1993: Statehood gets 46 percent of the vote; Commonwealth gets 49 percent
1998: Statehood gets 47 percent of the vote; “None of the above” gets 50 percent 

United States

You came so close, Puerto Rico! Forty-six percent! That is some excellent progress. You’re almost at the point where we’d really have a hard time ignoring your request for statehood. You know, hypothetically.

Puerto Rico

But 46 percent is almost a majority. And the status quo didn’t get above 50 percent either, so at the very least people want a change. It’s been 100 years since you took over. Don’t you think it’s time to start seriously talking about statehood?

United States, pointing at a big 50 percent sign on the wall and shaking his head

Sorry, Puerto Rico, but 50 percent plus 1 is the magic number. Democracy! Will of the people, remember? You can’t expect us to go against the will of the people! So, until you get that majority, we have no choice but to keep things just the way they are.

2012-2017

Puerto Rico

Hello again, U.S.! We’ve got some more plebiscite results to share with you.

United States

Two more? Again?

Puerto Rico

Well, you told us we gotta achieve a majority. And you’re not really doing anything at all on this issue. What other option do we have but to keep voting on it and see what happens? Besides, we really shook things up this time, and we think you’ll be really excited about the results.

2012: Question 1: 54 percent against the status quo; Question 2: 61 percent for statehood
2017: Statehood wins 97 percent of the vote

United States

Hold on. What am I even looking at here? Two questions in 2012. And in the second one, where you actually ask people what they want, you’ve got 500,000 blank ballots. So, if you do the math, statehood didn’t really get a majority.

Puerto Rico

But who counts blank ballots?

United States

We do. If we feel like it. And now what’s this in 2017? You don’t really expect me to believe everybody on the island suddenly wants statehood, do you? Turnout was 23 percent. Everybody else literally boycotted the vote. Of course statehood got 97 percent; those are the only people who showed up!

Puerto Rico

Well, what do you expect? This is the fifth vote you’ve refused to approve or treat as binding. Statehood supporters are the only ones still taking them seriously; everybody else thinks they’re a big joke.

United States

That kind of sounds like a you problem.

Puerto Rico

Why don’t you get involved next time? You can dictate the process, approve the alternatives, and we’ll do it however you want.

United States

Sorry, Puerto Rico. You can’t ask us to do that! We’re the United States government—we don’t just meddle in other nations’ politics.

Puerto Rico

You know, one of these days, maybe even a few months from now, there’s gonna be some big disaster in Puerto Rico. And you’re going to fail us because we’re your colony—yeah, I said it, colony—and thousands of Puerto Ricans are gonna die, and people of conscience everywhere are going to rise up and take you to task for perpetuating this unfair, unjust, so-called Commonwealth status.

United States

Nah. But we’ll get some paper towels ready.

2020

Puerto Rico

We’re gonna try again. Sixth time’s the charm, right?

United States

Uh-huh.

Puerto Rico

Look: we’re keeping it super simple this time. One question. One option. Statehood: Yes or No?

United States

Uh-huh.

Statehood wins 53 percent of the vote

Puerto Rico

I… I think we did it? Clear question. Clear majority. Strong turnout: 55 percent—not great—but better than a lot of U.S. elections! Did we do it? Can we be a state now?

United States

You’ve certainly got something there. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not exactly an overwhelming mandate, but it’s something. Remember when we said we’d find it hard to ignore majority support for statehood? That, uh, that’s kind of where we are now.

Puerto Rico

Woo! This is so exciting. I mean, we’ve been waiting for so long. And now it’s finally going to happen. And such good timing! The Orange Man has been voted out, and the good guys are going to be in charge again. It’s statehood time!

United States

Well, hold on now. There’s a process to these things. But yes: we are definitely, probably going to get right to work on it. Why don’t you start by getting your Congressional Rep., the one who can’t vote, to introduce a statehood bill?

Puerto Rico

Aye aye, captain! Can’t wait to join our fellow Americans!

2021-2022

Puerto Rico

As promised, here’s your bill: The Puerto Rico Statehood Admission Act. Ready to sail through Congress and land on the president’s desk!

United States

Ha! Sail through Congress. That’s a good one. Listen, we’ve been thinking. And we totally respect what you’ve done down there with your little plebiscite. But 53 percent isn’t really blowing anybody away over here. I mean, what kind of a majority is that? At best, it’s majority-ish…

Puerto Rico

But, but… what about the will of the people?

United States

How about this? We’ll think about your statehood bill; keep that over here. But we’re gonna introduce a different bill. The Puerto Rico Self-Determination Act. That sounds good, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t love self-determination! And aren’t two bills better than one?

Puerto Rico

But we’ve voted on this six times. All kinds of ballot designs, all kinds of majorities. Haven’t we already self-determined up the wazoo?

United States

That’s one way of looking at it. But we never really approved any of that. It’s not really your self-determination unless we sign off on it.

Puerto Rico

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. It just seems like you came up with this other bill to throw a wrench in the works, to divide support for Puerto Rico, and to keep kicking the can down the road. It’s 1901, 1917, and 1950 all over again. There’s a simple solution, and you’re doing everything but. We voted for statehood. So why won’t you just grant us statehood?

United States

OK, OK. Forget the two bills. New plan: we’re going to compromise. Combine the bills. Take the best parts of both—or maybe the worst parts, whichever we can get people to agree on—and create a single bill: The Puerto Rico Status Act. This is the way forward.

Puerto Rico

But this compromise bill doesn’t grant anything. It tells us to go have another vote, on options you choose, defined the way you want.

United States

Right. We pre-decide for you, and then you get to decide. Except when we decide not to pre-decide, and instead decide to post-decide. It’s really not that complicated.

Puerto Rico

It just feels like we could’ve done this years ago. Decades ago! Sigh. But hey, if this is what’s going to work, if this is how a bill becomes a law and we’re finally—finally!—going to have a Congressionally approved process to change Puerto Rico’s status, let’s do it!

United States

Yes, well… becoming law. Have I mentioned we’re a pretty divided country? Maybe we pass this in the House. Maybe! But the Senate. We have Joe Manchin and the filibuster. How do you say that in Spanish?

Puerto Rico

Filibusterismo.

United States

Huh! No kidding.

Puerto Rico

So, what you’re saying is, we’re not getting statehood? We’re not getting a statehood bill. We’re not getting the other bill. We’re not even getting—not really—this bill that was supposedly, specifically crafted to be a politically feasible compromise. Pardon my French, America, but what the fuck are we even doing, and why the fuck are we even doing it?

United States

Because, Puerto Rico: what we say goes. And don’t you fucking forget it.

The Puerto Rico Status Act passes a lame-duck House of Representatives in December 2022, on the very last day the House is in session. It is reintroduced the following year: in the House, where Republicans ignore it, and in the Senate, where Democrats ignore it.

In Puerto Rico, pro-statehood leaders muse about having yet another non-binding plebiscite—No.7, if you’re counting. The dwindling “Commonwealth” supporters desperately cling to the notion that Puerto Rico is not a colony. And the independence movement, now allied with other progressive forces on the island, fights for a potential electoral victory in 2024 and prepares for the future.