The following is a transcript of a call that took place on Jan. 20, 2025.

THE PRESIDENT’S PERSONAL SECRETARY

Please hold for the President of the United States…

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU

I don’t hold for him, he holds for me. If he doesn’t get on the line, I’m hanging up in 3…2…

JOE BIDEN

Bibi, how you doing, champ?

NETANYAHU

You don’t get to call me Bibi anymore. I’m Mr. Prime Minister to you.

BIDEN

Ha, ha, okay “Mr. Prime Minister.” 

NETANYAHU 

Why did you want to speak to me?

BIDEN

Well, it’s my last day in office. You and I have been through a lot together over the last years, and I thought we could just process it a bit, close it out, you know.

NETANYAHU

I have nothing to say to you.

BIDEN

Listen, Bi—Mr. Prime Minister. I did a lot for you, you know. Hell, I wouldn’t be leaving office tomorrow if I hadn’t stuck up for Israel. I thought, well, maybe you could show a bit of gratitude. 

NETANYAHU

You want me to thank you?

BIDEN

Well, golly, I mean, look at what I did. I ignored Congress so I could keep sending you weapons. I didn’t let them check if you were following the laws of war. I told America that the Palestinians might be faking their deaths—I didn’t even know if that was true. Same with those beheaded—you know, the things. We vetoed every goddamned UN resolution that came along. We bombed the crap out of the Houthis. We backed you up when you attacked all the hospitals—I don’t even know why you did that, but I didn’t ask. Hell, we basically threw Nelson Mandela under the bus when South Africa took you to court. I’d say I did an awful lot for you. 

And it didn’t make me popular, let me tell you. Kids called me Genocide Joe. To my face! In an election year! And frankly, you didn’t give me much in return. We asked you, over and over, to tone it down, to reduce those civilian casualties. Or to come up with a plan for an endgame. And not to mire us in a regional war. Heck, you didn’t do any of it, no matter how many times we asked. Surely you’d like to say a few words to me after all that.

NETANYAHU

Fuck you.

BIDEN

Excuse me?

NETANYAHU

Shall I spell it?

BIDEN

I don’t… I don’t understand.

NETANYAHU

I’ll phrase it differently. Go to hell. Get bent. Eat shit.

BIDEN

Hey, buddy, watch your mouth, I’m the president of the United States.

NETANYAHU

You’re nothing. You’re a pathetic old man. You got played, “champ.”

BIDEN

You’re going to have to explain this to me.

NETANYAHU

You and I both know what happened. You say you wanted fewer civilian casualties? Then why did you keep sending us 2,000 pound bombs? What did you think we were going to do with them? Drop them in open fields? You wanted us to do precisely what we did. You say you went around Congress to give us weapons. Why? Because you wanted us to use them. We carried out your wishes. You should be thanking me. 

BIDEN

What? I asked you over and over to scale down the war. Lower intensity, I said! Stop hitting ambulances!

NETANYAHU

Please. We both know that if you’d wanted that, you could have gotten it anytime. You just had to put on a show for the Americans. They don’t like the sight of dead Palestinians. You act like America is powerless to control Israel. We’re ⅕ the size of Florida. You, the world superpower, have your hands tied? Come on.

BIDEN

I asked you…

NETANYAHU

And I spat in your face. I spit in it again now, old man. You disgust me.

BIDEN

Disgust?

NETANYAHU

Oh, you weep for the Palestinian civilians, do you? You lament and moan. If only, if only, bad terrible Israel would listen to the Good and Moral United States of America. Oh, Israel is out of control. They’re crazy. You have nothing but the purest and noblest of motives. Give me a break, Joe. You don’t give any more of a shit about the Palestinians than I do. You knew they had to be dealt with. You just don’t have the guts to be honest about what needed to be done. Why should I respect that? Why should I thank someone who is complicit with me carrying out an ugly necessity, but then disavows the worst parts of it? Have the courage of your convictions.

BIDEN

I didn’t want you to do it the way you did it. My God, the starvation, the little kids.

NETANYAHU

Nonsense. Spare me your crocodile tears. That show is for the public. Not for me. I’m sick of these pitiful lies. You pretend to be some great humanitarian. Oh, we don’t want Israel to use the big bombs. And then you deliver the big bombs. Don’t pretend you’re better than me. I have the integrity to say what we know to be true: the strong rule this world. There was once a Holocaust because we were weak. Afterward, we vowed never to be weak again. If that means destroying every new Amalek down to every man, woman, and child, so be it. They’d do the same to us the moment they had a chance. You know it. It’s the way of the world. The strong do what they can, the weak suffer what they must. And we’re not going to suffer.

BIDEN

Amalek? You’re talking about genocide.

NETANYAHU

I am talking about national security, and don’t give me that faux-naive American “idealism.” You know full well that you have to kill in order to live. Your country doesn’t hesitate to get blood on its hands when it has to. You just don’t like to look at it. You don’t like to know about it. I’m an honest man, not a weepy hypocrite.

BIDEN

Goddamn it, Bibi, I sacrificed my presidency for you!

NETANYAHU

Your choice. Personally, I’m happy you lost. Trump won’t pretend he’s better than us, or “distance himself” in public. He won’t go around telling us to use “smaller bombs” while sending us whatever we want. If you were a weak man, that’s your fault. I never promised you anything. We both knew what I was doing, and you didn’t stop me. You’re either lying about what you really wanted, or you were too pathetic to take me on. I have no respect either way.

BIDEN

I didn’t…I don’t… I…my God, what have I done?

NETANYAHU

Now here comes the performance of anguish and introspection. An American classic. You’ll agonize and fret over your “mistakes,” then go back to doing precisely the same thing. But they were never really “mistakes,” were they? You got what you wanted. I know you better than you know yourself, Joe.

BIDEN

Call me “Mr. President,” please. I don’t leave office until tomorrow.

NETANYAHU

Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you.

[end of call]