A Turning Point USA influencer named Morgonn McMichael recently lit up Twitter with a bizarre rant about Chick-fil-A. The chicken mega-chain ran afoul (or, perhaps, afowl) of its conservative fans who had long praised the restaurant’s donations to homophobic charities but were now fuming over its decision to hire a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion position and are now launching a boycott of the brand in a similar fashion to those against Target and Bud Light.  

From the front seat of her car, Morgonn went off: “Chick-Fil-A, you are no longer the lord’s chicken! You’re actually the woke chicken, and I’m really upset about it as a Christian woman.”

Many on Twitter had a good laugh at Morgonn’s fried-chicken meltdown. But others took the opportunity to ask a deeper question: What the hell kind of name is “Morgonn” anyway??? Morgonn says her name is simply pronounced as “Morgan.” But rather than clear things up, this simply adds to the confusion. Why would someone take a perfectly fine name like Morgan and mangle it to the point where it sounds like something George R.R. Martin would have named one of the lesser Targaryen dragons? Were her parents trying to prank her for life?

For some reason, conservative politics and punditry has long been a repository for people with extremely silly sounding names. From Trump Press Secretary and Fox News host Kaileigh McEnany (a tongue-twister of a name littered with extraneous vowels) to Republican activist Matt Schlapp (whose name sounds like an onomatopoeia for when an overbaked ham lands on hardwood). In government, there’s Senator Tommy Tuberville and Congresswoman Lauren Boebert (whose names just sounds dumb for reasons that should be self-explanatory).

Don’t get us wrong, there are plenty of liberals and leftists with goofy sounding names too (Philip Bump, Jeffrey Toobin, and Krystal Ball, for example)…but the libs certainly don’t have a Hogan Gidley, a Madison Cawthorn, or anything resembling a Morgonn. Conservative naming conventions are a form of art that is altogether different—to the point where coming up with goofy fake ones like “Trish Tunkins,” “Chesney Mards”, and “Clay Maddsley” is a long-running Twitter joke.

With that in mind, we designed this quiz. Approximately half of the names on this list are those of real people who have recently worked in right-wing media or politics. The other half are fake names of people we made up. Your job, dear discerning reader, is to separate the real conservative warriors from the impostors and prove yourself a true American Patriot (with a name to match)!

List of Names

• Carlin Schmear
• Gunnar Thorderson 
• Sadie Lynne Buckwood
• Ainsley Earhardt
• Bo Hines 
• Kash Jackson 
• Grant Stinchfield
• Robby Starbuck 
• Kat Timpf 
• Horatio Talmadge
• Timon Prax 
• Paisleigh Stargill
• Frank Ripper III, Esq.
• Gabbey Gerbert
• Ashlynnn Exeter 
• Jubilee Jones
• Shialee Grooman 
• Todd Schnitt 
• Stan Burgle
• Wayne Allyn Root
• Peachy Keenan
• Clemlee Felcher
• Holman W. Jenkins, Jr. 
• Myron Magnet
• Josh Hammer 
• Grover T. Frimpp
• Kaidyn Berryfield
• Buck Sexton 
• Barton Swaim 
• Allie Beth Stuckey 
• Jackson W. Tebbins 
• Paxlynn Larsh
• Tudor Dixon
• Bradley Pinochet
• Bartholomew Neesley

ANSWERS

REAL NAMES

• Tudor Dixon — 2022 Republican Gubernatorial Candidate in Michigan
• Ainsley Earhardt — Co-host of Fox & Friends
• Gunnar Thorderson — TP USA Ambassador and host of Firefight on a streaming network called Today is America
• Bo Hines — North Carolina football wide receiver-turned North Carolina Republican Representative.
• Kash Jackson — 2018 Libertarian gubernatorial candidate (who later went to jail for four years after threatening the lives of two judges amid divorce proceedings).
• Grant Stinchfield — Former primetime Newsmax anchor
• Robby Starbuck — TPUSA guy who ran as a write-in candidate in Tennessee’s 5th congressional district
• Kat Timpf — Panelist on Fox News’ breakout comedy program Gutfeld!
• Timon Prax — former TPUSA Midwest regional manager forced to leave after making offensive tweets about Mormons, Jews, and Muslims
• Peachy Keenan — Fox News commentator
• Shialee Grooman — Another TPUSA employee who left after tweeting several homophobic and racial slurs
• Todd Schnitt — OAN host and drive-time conservative radio DJ in the Tampa Bay area
• Holman W. Jenkins Jr. — Wall Street Journal writer
• Barton Swaim — Wall Street Journal writer
• Myron Magnet — City Journal editor with positively outrageous mutton chops
• Wayne Allyn Root — Author and self-described “Angry White Male” who wrote a book with that title.  Also the author of The Great Patriot boycott book and Trump Rules.
• Josh Hammer — Federalist Society member and national conservatism-minded  editor at large for Newsweek
• Buck Sexton — Former CIA intelligence officer best known as the co-host of the popular “Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show.”  Also a previous fill-in host for Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.
• Allie Beth Stuckey — Host of Relatable on BlazeTV, who has called LGBTQ people “Pronoun predator[s], rainbow recruiter[s]…and kid creepers.”

Results

• 20% correct or less: You are a traitor to the cause of freedom! Face the wall! Your name: MIKE JOHNSON or EMILY BRADLEY
• 21% to 40% correct: You’re clearly a globalist coastal elite. We’ve got our eyes on you! Your name: JEREMY McNEIL or ERICA CARLISLE
• 41% to 60% correct: You’re a bit of a RINO, but you’re not beyond saving. Your name: HUNTER GILMARTIN or BAILEE JO PEPPERS
• 61% to 80% correct: You’ve got some learning to do, Patriot.  But you’re on the right track!Your name: CLINT TURNBUCKLE or EMMYLOU GASHER
• 81% to 99% correct: You are a true American, ready to do battle for this great nation. Your name: CULVER CRAMDILLY or  HARLEIGH GULCH
• 100% correct: You are our savior, the one true light. Your name: JAXTON PALANQUIN or CORDELIA MUSSOLINI-FUDGE