In which the editors offend the entire nation of Canada, and Oren Nimni—internet heartthrob, anarchist, and Canadian citizen—finds himself defending the State.
In Honor of Canada Day.
BRIANNA RENNIX (LIEUTENANT EDITOR):
In honor of Canada Day: is Canada real???????????????
OREN NIMNI (LEGAL EDITOR AND INTERNET HEARTTHROB):
As a country, no.
As an idea, no.
As an apology?
Yes.
RENNIX:
Are you saying that Canada is just a giant mass hallucination resulting from unexpressed North American guilt?
NIMNI:
Pretty much. That, and all countries and nations aren’t real anyway, and Canada has not proved to be an exception. The jury is still out on PEI (Prince Edward Island) though.
RENNIX:
PEI secession movement to preserve their proud tradition of Anne of Green Gables LARPing, please.
NIMNI:
I support this.
ALLEGRA SILCOX (BUSINESS MANAGER):
PEI has mussels and Anne, probably the perfect place.
NICK SLATER (NEWSLETTER EDITOR):
I love all my Canadian brethren but I’m sorry, this obnoxious “neighbor” video explaining Canada Day to Americans is a bombable offense. The predator drones are already in Minneapolis, we might as well send them a few hours north and eliminate Canada’s strategic poutine reserves.
RENNIX:
This is how we find out that Nick is the head of the 1812 Institute, whose goal is to get the United States to go to war with Canada.
SLATER:
The single most exciting newspaper headline I read as a child was the St Paul Pioneer Press’ “THE PLAN TO INVADE CANADA THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” Front page, big-ass fonts, all describing some plan a bunch of Minnesotan fur trappers had to storm the border and seize Winnipeg or something?
[Editors’ note: Attempts to track down this exact article in the archives of the St. Paul Pioneer Press were unsuccessful, more likely due to bad metadata than our newsletter editor’s faulty memory. However, we did find an excellent headline from May 16th, 1995: “NORTH VS. NORTH: THE WINNIPEG JETS MAY INVADE THE TWIN CITIES IN A FRIENDLY MANEUVER. BUT ONCE UPON A TIME, CANADIANS, LED BY BUSTER BROWN, HAD A MORE DASTARDLY PLAN TO CONQUER MINNESOTA.”]
RENNIX:
Irish Nationalists tried to invade Canada in the 19th century, for…………….. reasons.
SILCOX:
I don’t feel that we discuss enough that there are definitely at least two distinct Canadas. I have only spent time in Montreal for work and while it was a lovely city, (1) I had my phone and wallet stolen which was just delightful when I had to drive my rental car across the border with no GPS, and (2) the company I was working with was aggressive and often rude. Then there’s the Oren part of Canada, I assume.
SPARKY ABRAHAM (FINANCE EDITOR):
There is prairie Canada and British Columbia Canada that also seem very different from New York Canada and Maine Canada.
NIMNI:
Yeah I mean look, there is cattle ranching in Canada, large cities, wild tundra, etc. There are many Canadas.
RENNIX:
I have never been to Canada and still maintain that it may not be real (so far the only evidence that’s been personally presented to me have been a bunch of apparent Americans with slightly weird accents, am I supposed to find that convincing???) but the Canadas that I am aware of through media are: “Anne of Green Gables Canada,” “Gaelic Canada,” “bad-French Canada,” “despoiling Native rights Canada,” and “Battlestar Galactica Canada.”
LYTA GOLD (AMUSEMENTS AND MANAGING EDITOR):
I am from Michigan so Canada is basically our backyard with sillier-looking money and a faint, just barely held-back polite disbelief in how annoying and crude and gross Americans are and WHATEVER CANADA YOU HAVE A BLOODY HISTORY TOO THAT YOU ALSO REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND PLENTY OF CRIMES AGAINST INDIGENOUS PEOPLE THAT ARE STILL ONGOING so wipe that smile off your face we’re all bastards.
(“You’re ALMOST as bad as us” is a really weak argument, isn’t it?)
NIMNI:
Counterpoint. The money is better.
RENNIX:
I don’t even know what Canadian money looks like and already concur, we have possibly the ugliest money in the world
GOLD:
Loonies are silly. Cute, but silly.
NIMNI:
Canadian money is colourful, and playful; it is blue, brown, many colours and has pictures of loons, polar bears, hockey and other fun activities.
GOLD:
My my, look at this anarchist defending money, A TOOL OF THE STATE.
NIMNI:
IT’S SILLY ON PURPOSE, OKAY?? WHEN THE STATE CALLS ITS TOOLS “LOONIES” IT SUBTLY UNDERMINES ITS OWN LEGITIMACY (he argued, unsuccessfully.)
GOLD:
Oren, do you have any final, unconvincing words about Canada?
NIMNI:
Canada, it’s a country, it’s not real, like all countries. But it has toques, which are nice.
