You are Joe Biden. You may not know you are Joe Biden, but that is part of being Joe Biden. You are snoring peacefully in the basement of your Wilmington residence, waiting for someone to activate you. Suddenly, one of your toadies enters. There is a phone call from the Press. A thing has happened. The media needs your comment. What thing? Doesn’t matter, there’s no time. They just need a classic quotable Bidenism on the spot, so that the People will know you are alive and on top of the thing, whatever it is.
Your Bidenism:
“The thing–the thing you have to understand about America–what America needs is NOUN 1, not NOUN 2. We gotta…we gotta VERB this ADJECTIVE issue. I’ve studied history, and you can’t forget: GARBLE.”
NOUNS
You will need two. Take the first letter of your first name for NOUN 1, then the first letter of your last name for NOUN 2 A. milk B. ice cream C. the pool D. roaches E. kids F. girls G. the Chinese H. the crisis I. a problem J. a yo-yo K. fat L. socialism M. Corn Pop N. the President O. FDR P. World War II Q. drones R. a kill list S. war T. a position U. Amtrak V. Delaware W. some babe X. my son Y. a mistake Z. America
VERB
Your astrological sign:
Aries: hit
Taurus: touch
Gemini: smell
Cancer: sniff
Leo: bomb
Virgo: figure
Libra: beef up
Scorpio: fight
Sagittarius: attack
Capricorn: vote
Aquarius: text
Pisces: swim
ADJECTIVE
Last digit of your birth year:
young
pretty
clean
articulate
stupid
darn
bad
bright
good-looking
great
GARBLE
How depressed you are right now on a scale of 1-20. 20 is high):
we gotta
see here Jack
it’s malarkey
it’s not gonna happen
it can’t happen
it won’t happen
we have to take care of the cure
no matter what
…what was that?
anyway
that’s totally different
then go vote for Trump
or uh. You know
I never heard of it
I never met her
yes ma’am
I don’t…I don’t remember
give a shot
if we just
gotta together, we can make America, uh
BONUS BIDENISM:
But what if the press asks you a second question? Oh no! You’re plum out of nouns and verbs! That’s ok. Try a full-paragraph garble on for size.
“In America, we get things done. Not because, not only with our words, but actions, and sometimes words too. Because, you know, words are, it’s about how we talk, that’s what makes us great. And listen, bud, if you want to be America, if you want to be great, let me tell you, it’s simple, it’s decent, it’s how we’re gonna do it.”
Our beautiful July-August edition is packed with wholesome goodies to nourish the mind and excite the soul! We've got a feature on why you should host a sing-a-long (they're way better than karaoke), a look at the right-wing myths around post-apartheid South Africa, a dive into the politics of the Black Church, an interview with leading education critic Jonathan Kozol about unequal schooling in America, an examination of the parallels between Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump, plus lots of fun stuff including comics, free music, and a classified section! As always it's loaded with sharp writing and beautiful art.