1. Criss Angel: 90 percent chance of beating Trump
2. Chris Evans: 1 percent chance of beating Trump
3. A Horse: Usually the horse comes in toward the end of a funny list. Not this time. 25 percent chance of beating Trump.
4. Omarosa Manigault: 50 percent chance of beating Trump
5. A Cowboy Boot With A Pride Flag Sticking Out Of It: 25 percent chance 
6. BP Chairwoman Susan Dio: 0 percent chance
7. Elizabeth Holmes: 5 percent chance
8. Any Serial Killer: 20 percent chance
9. The Gene That Determines Height: 91 percent chance
10. Pewdiepie’s Dad: 40 percent chance
11. A Dying Maidenhair Fern: 2 percent chance
12. The Good Car Ideas Guy From That I Think You Should Leave Sketch: Almost certain victory over Trump. 
13. Cesium-137: 30 percent chance, but 100 percent chance given prolonged exposure
14. The Throat Chakra: 10 percent chance
15. A Goldfish Trapped In A Novelty Platform Boot: 10 percent chance
16. Bari Weiss: 0 percent chance
17. Hillary Clinton: 0 percent chance
18. Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: 14 percent chance
19. Poseidon, God Of The Ocean: 80 percent chance, given projected sea level rise
20. A Vegan Chorizo Sausage That Owns A Prison: 3 percent chance
21. Carrabba’s Italian Grill Co-Founder Johnny Ca—I’m sorry, we’ve just received word that Johnny Carrabba has withdrawn his candidacy following widespread criticism of his platform (“If it’s not about pasta, I don’t care about it”). Not that it matters anymore, but he’d have had a 30 percent chance of beating Trump.

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