Look. We all know how serious the situation is, right? When climate disaster strikes, we’ve all had to flee from our three-bedroom condo in Manhattan to our parents’ six-bedroom bungalow in the Berkshires. But if you really want to get people on board with your so-called “solutions” such as the Green New Deal (which, don’t you think is asking a bit much?) you need to consider the very best method for discussing this complex and multifaceted issue. After all, if you really want humanity and the rapidly disappearing biodiversity of this planet to survive this century, isn’t it important to express your policy proposals in just the right way? 

1. When an American city has been overrun by wildfire, what is the most constructive response?
   1. Posting a joke about how we’re all fucked and then flipping on Netflix.
   2. Advocating for the GND using cuss words online.
   3. “How large of a city are we talking here? Can the residents relocate? Isn’t it kind of their fault for choosing to live near a wildfire zone in the first place? What’s the average median income? Isn’t posting pictures of the fire tornado rampaging through a cindered and abandoned neighborhood just a bit hyperbolic?”
   4. Burning down the nearest fossil fuel executive’s home. (Fighting fire with fire? Hypocrite much?)
2. The recent heatwave in the northwest U.S. and western Canada cooked fruit on the vine and may have killed one billion marine animals. What is the best way to “turn lemons into lemonade” here?
   1. Fruit compote.
   2. Shrimp fry.
   3. Fruit compote AND shrimp fry.
   4. Sacrifice a billion more animals on the altar of your local fossil fuel pipeline (yes every fossil fuel pipeline has its own bloody altar, locate and consult the blueprints for more information).
3. Choose the three best emojis for communicating how you feel about the most recent climate change-caused weather disaster in your area WITHOUT alienating Senator Joe Manchin.
4. When the next superstorm comes and you’re trapped in your flooded home, the waters rising above your waist and your children screaming in terror, whom do you blame?
   1. Yourself. After all, you chose to rent/buy a home in an area you could afford!
   2. Your far-left Congressional representative. How dare they demand a real climate bill rather than tax-advantaged carbon offset SJFCOs for qualifying medium-sized non-exempt businesses!
   3. The runaway climate scenarios that nobody could have predicted.
   4. The “tiny slice of the world’s population” who are “largely at fault” for this “crisis” because apparently you don’t know how to take personal responsibility for all those times you drove your car just so you could get to work!!!
5. Please write a three paragraph essay on how to solve climate change while not making oil execs feel bad about themselves!!!!
6. Identify the obstacle to climate progress:

A.

Penguin

B.

“Loud” and “unlikeable” youth activists! Gross!

C.

Mr. Senator

D.

Politics twitter micro-celeb with 100k+ followers? So I know what I’m talking about okay?

SCORING:

• 1.5 degrees Celsius (augh)
• 2 degrees Celsius (woops)
• 4 degrees Celsius (FUCK)
• 6 degrees Celsius (x_x)

No matter what you put in the essay, merely attempting it means the average wet-bulb temperature will soon be fatal to human life.